Sorry to have been gone away so long. I really should make a point to at least see if I have anything I wish to say once a week, but alas! I am busy and have trouble remembering. You may be assured though that I will try my very best.
I have indeed missed this business, writing to you that is. and now I will get to it. For it is not that I have not had anything to write but that I couldnt quiet decide how I wished to say it. But I shall try now dispite my unresolved decision. I hope you do not mind if this post is only me blabbering on for that is what I may well be:
Recently we had The Storm at my church (if you have read any of my first posts you will know that that is the name of the yearly youth conference at my church). As usual it was amazing in every aspect! The Storm is always a turning point in my life.
This year I went into The Storm feeling really guilty and like I could never really be loved, or at least that I didn’t deserve it. In fact in one of the letters I wrote to my future husband I said this: “I hope you can accept me as I am.” Can he? Can you? Can God? Those were the things I was asking myself. I was tearing myself apart and killing my joy. The devils whispers about what an awful person I am didn’t help.
But then there was the Storm. Then there was me absolutely emersing myself in GOD for four days straight. There is no way you can’t see him when your spending so much time looking his direction. And that’s what happened to me. I SAW Him! I SAW his love for me. I could just feel his arms around me and hear him whisper in my ear: “Deanna, Deanna, Deanna, don’t forget what I did for you. Can’t you see how much I love you in these two words? In the one reason why I lived my life? In the way I died? Kneel at THE CROSS and feel it pouring over you. did you hear that? THE CROSS. The dirtiest place on earth yet the only place where you can be purified. Don’t you see? I have seperated you from your sin so far you will never again have to taste death. YOU ARE FULLY FORGIVEN! YOUR SIN FULLY FORGOTTEN! DON’T TURN BACK TO IT! Why would you pick back up the thing I’ve freed you from? It seems so hard but that’s only because your looking to you and not to me. GIVE ME ALL OF YOU! Every bit! From your smallest dreams to your biggest sin. I want it all. that’s why I died. because I wanted YOU back. I only ever wanted you! Why would I go back on the biggest promise I’ve ever made? “ill never leave you nor forsake you?” I know what it all feels like. I know what your going through. give it to me and I can then give you answers, give you back your purity and your life. Ill take DEATH to give you LIFE, ill take SIN to give you RIGTEOUNESS and PURITY! won’t you take my gift? its free and its all I lived to do. all I want is you.”
Just reading over the accumulation of all the things he poured into my heart over The Storm is nigh to making me cry. none of this is to say all my self doubt is dealt with or that I’ve given my full self to him. I’m still working on it. but I can truthfully say that the feeling of his presense has not once left me since The Storm. not once. every moment of every day I can just hear him whispering “I love you. I love you. I love you so dearly.” It helps so much in the journey I’m going through just to hear those three BIG words from the one man that matters most to me. From Jesus himself. From my maker.
I’m not going to forget. I’m not going to stop looking at him. I’m not going to stop seeking a change in me. no matter how much it hurts to let go. no matter how scarey it is to see me to covered in sin. I will open my pandoras box and give all of it to him. ❤
I hope you don’t my sharing my heart,
Love Deanna. 🙂