Transparency <3

“How do you begin a story that trapped inside of you – blaringly alive yet trapped all the same?

“How do you bring into words that swirling vortex of thought and emotion that no mortal man can untangle or even begin to understand?

And even if – by some miracle – you could bring out the words in one clear straight line for that one man to hear who says you’ll have the courage to say them aloud or even believe in them yourself?

You’ve waited your whole life for this one man – this one moment – but not in a thousand years would you be prepared enough to even whisper these feelings in a dark room all on you own and yet you must reveal them all or else you’ll burst, broken into a million pieces.

I have found the only outlet for such things is the written page, the supposed fiction that have become our bed-time stories: Fairy tales may not be tales at all.” – from a work in progress.

fairy

Here I am.

It’s the first day of February and I’m wearing this months heart necklace. I sit here in front of the computer screen fingering my purity ring – just thinking.

I have something inside of me that I want to let seep through the cracks, something sweet and nostalgic – a new reflection of something with which I’m familiar – but the reflection is still blurred on one side – this glass still needs cleaned. It’s not yet polished for the world to see, or even those with whom I want to share it the most.

It feels as if God is an author in the midst of a great work. Like he is writing and editing my story. Like he’s tweeking this partiular chapter to perfection. Setting each character in the plot just where they should be and ever developing me into a deeper and deeper person.

So even though I’m ready to shout this from the mountain tops (or at least whisper it aloud in a quiet room); even though I’m ready to take the next step I can hear The Author saying, “Wait. Let me write it, edit it and publish it. This is my project – my masterpiece – and someday you will get to show it to the world, but not yet.” So even though I want to be transparent as a writer should be – as my friend Jayne or Abby or my pastors – I can’t be. Not in this sentence, or this paragraph, maybe not even on this page.

For now I will sit and wait looking into the eyes of The Perfect Author – the one who knows the beginning and end of this tale. For now I will write and write true, though for a while it may be in allegory or abstract design.

For Now I Will Wait.

One Day I sat beside

A wall of climbing flowers

ever reaching toward the sun

all their waking hours.

I wondered, ‘Am I like them?

Making every second a glory

to the maker of this planet?

Do I make the conscious choice

to continually be growing?

or do I fade away as if

He’d never done the sowing?

Do I try to follow

Him in all His ways?

or do I prefer to sit

and think within the shade?’

Life is not all about

everything we think

but rather it is about

what we believe

and where that leads our feet

So that day I chose

not to just sit anymore

to be done with thinking

whats to come next morn

And rather to walk a path

that down which I know

He’s waiting with arms open

and smile all aglow.” ❤ 

Love,

Deanna ❤

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Transparency <3

  1. Your website is great. I’ve been battling depression for years and I have tried killing myself twice. I feel like dieing right now. I feel so incredibly alone and lost. I believe I lost my soul. I can’t remember the last time I felt happy. Everything I’ve done has failed and I feel like I’m not even human anymore. People don’t want to be around me and my words come out all wrong and cold. I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve seen doctors and tried every anti-depressant there is. I don’t want to bother my mom with this anymore and pretend to be ok just to make her happy. Everyday is a struggle just to get out of bed. I haven’t seen any of my friends in a year. I live alone and don’t feel safe with myself. I spend days just thinking of the best way to kill myself. I’ve come up with just leaving town and going to the mountains and shooting myself. My mom is the only person holding me back from doing that. She’s the only person who would care if I died. When I think of my future I know I will never be happy. I’m not a normal person. I’m gay and ugly and stupid. Nobody takes what I have to say seriously. I have no idea who the hell I am. I’m 25 and feel ready to die even though I haven’t lived yet. Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.

  2. I am so sorry to hear about how hard your life has been, but please listen: Your mom is not the only person that would care if you killed yourself! I care! My church cares! And most of all Jesus cares! Whether you can see it right now or not Jesus said in his word, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans that give you a hope and a future.” he also said, “I will never leave you nor foresake you.” If you are a Christian take heart in these words! Stick it out! “God works all things together for the good of those who love him.” and if your not a christian then know that God is the only way out of this, and the only person who can bring you true peace and true happiness. You might think you are too terrible of a person to be love by a perfect, almighty God, but you arent! He loves you no matter what! “For God so loved the world that he gave is only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life!” Stop depending on yourself to be good and to make a good life for yourself, rest in God, accept his son and know that either way I will be praying for you. You are not alone and you are not unloved. No matter what the world might think or say we have Jesus.

    Pray this prayer to accept his grace and freedom from sin,
    “God I thank you for sending your son Jesus to die on the cross for me. I thank you that you have an abundant life planned for me. I feel hopeless right now God, but I know Jesus is the only one who can save me from sin and death so I pray that he will come into my heart. He died and rose again for me and I want to give him my broken life so he can fix it. Thank you God for helping me and saving me. In Jesus name, Amen.”

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