Guilt Kills, Love Heals.

Guilt has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

As a perfectionist it attacks me at random moments and over the stupidest things. And it’s not just a momentary flash or like my conscious reminding me not to do something. It is total condemnation. It makes me feel like a horrible human being, like I am not good enough to be a light and like I am unlovable.

Worst of all it makes me feel like there is no chance of escape.

Beyond that it clings to me for far too long. And it’s stupid because I know none of the things I am thinking are true with Jesus Christ as my mighty, faithful Savior.

Guilt – whether it’s something I said, something I did or something I thought – immobilizes me.

It makes me absolutely unable to be happy. It makes me afraid of the future and afraid of each moment. It taunts me with the possibility of messing up yet again. It makes me hide and it stops me from doing anything worthwhile whilst it remains inside me.

Is all this leading up to telling me how to get rid of guilt? – you ask.

I honestly don’t know how to get rid of guilt. It sticks to me like glue. My personality is prone to it and as a thinker and a writer I analyze it.

I was going to write something fun about where I want to travel now that I am an adult, but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. I am sitting here, right now, trying to figure out the answer to that question and I’ve realized something terrifying.

Maybe it’s just one of those questions I will never know the answer to – or maybe I won’t know it for a good while yet.

It’s like asking why bad things happen when God is good and whether or not the man you marry is really the right one. I guess you never know until you live through it. Or maybe you just never learn those kind of answers. Maybe our human minds just aren’t big enough to handle all that that entails.

Life is full of twists and turns and I hate that. I don’t like not knowing the plan. I don’t like being confused or unsure or not having an answer to a burning question. I despise it. I absolutely despise it.

So of course God decides to have a sense of humor.

He answers my questions only the moment I need them – like not a second too soon situations. His constant response to all my prayers and all the passages in the bible that he highlights for me tell me to wait on Him.

In fact, at Storm Student Conference this year He really convicted me about the state of my heart. He showed me that while, yes, I was giving Him my time and my voice I was not giving Him my heart, my desires or my emotions.

He called me to let Him have my biggest dream (to get married) and not just to let Him do what He will when He will, but to forget about it until He makes a move!

FORGET ABOUT IT!?!

Gosh! What is He thinking?

Golly Bob it, you guys! How am I – the romantic, the matchmaker, the woman who wants nothing more than to be a wife and mother – supposed take a back seat so far back that I cant even see the stage of my own love story? (You know I am really asking so if you have insight that would be wonderful. ;))

I was feeling pretty good about the progress God and I were making on this until yesterday.

Yesterday was like an explosion of “well crap, today sucked.”

Actually the day was pretty great. How distracted I allowed myself to be and how I decided to spend my time? Not so much.

So now it is Wednesday night and I am thousands of words behind on my newest book, I have wasted opportunities to share God with my fellow Christians and I have allowed myself to fall into the depth of despair with loving this guy again.

I love him, but it really sucks, ya know?

I guess what I am trying to figure out is how to do what God would have me do in this time and still be the woman He created – myself, but focused.

I know my mission, I know I have other dreams besides getting married and I know God loves me so I am fabulously excited, but at the same time there is that nag in the back of my head that reminds me how stupid I have been for at least the past two years if not the past four when it comes to guarding my heart and keeping it sacred for my Father in Heaven.

I feel like a fool and I don’t know how to get over it. Guilt is making me feel empty after all I have gone through in this area. I look back over the past four years and I hear in my head, “wasted time”, while my heart shows me all the fruit that has grown up in me because of it.

I have learned so much during this time, you guys, and I hope you can take my honesty and my idiocy and grow from it. That is the point, right?

This is my random me quote of the season – the stupid love – is – in – the – air summer season – “Life is a great big, stupid, beautiful adventure.”

Well guys, I hope you take that and fly with it. I hope you don’t make the love mistakes I have made (quick hint – its not just the hands you must watch, it’s the heart.) I hope all of you will go out into the rest of your lives and do something giant for God that blows your mind! Be strong and of good courage. Don’t quit and most of all when you screw up every single thing in your life remember: God is bigger than it all.

I think that is the only way we can get past the guilt when it hits. Remember how big God is compared, how good He is to save and then get up and do what you were meant to be doing all along.

Don’t waste another second, okay?

I’m not.

Love,

Deanna ❤

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3 thoughts on “Guilt Kills, Love Heals.

  1. On the other side of “Wife and Mother” I remember when I was college bound, agnostic and just wanted to be a rock star. (a lyricist, actually) I never wanted a husband and kids – EVER. Then the “Right guy” came along and 23 years later here I am. It has been truly the biggest blessing. God gave me the family I never had growing up and I am grateful. The writing dream though never left. I am just keyed to write. I truly believe that your future will contain the deepest desires of your heart multiplied by a thousand and containing things you don’t even realize as desires yet. Keep writing it down – and later when you look back on the amazing life you have – you’ll have all these AHA moments where you realize “Wow. I did know – I just didn’t comprehend.” Peace.

    1. Thank you Mrs. Tammy for understanding where I am coming from and encouraging me. I can already see so many places like that and I am so excited to see even more of the goodness of my Heavenly Father. I believe so deeply that the day will come when I have my biggest dream – I’m just bad at the whole patience gig lol xD I love you – Deanna ❤

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