This is Not a Bad Captivity.

Today at church my pastor said something that really struck home with me and my current fight in life. He said, “At the base of everything else there can be only one sin that creates not only a war between yourself and those around you, but a war within your own soul. It is this: you lust after and desire something so much that you would fight to the ends of the earth to get it. You would even go so far as to fight God.”

I realized earlier in the month that I had been fighting very hard for a man that I have loved for more than four years. I discovered that even though my love for him may have been a beautiful, pure love that there was a such thing as loving him to much.

There were times that I actually did fight with God over why we weren’t together and whether or not I should tell him about my feelings, but typically my idolatry – for idolatry it was – took the form of thinking about him too much and having that yearning that darkened even good days.

Ever since I realized that I decided that my continuing to live that way was not only wrong, but that it was hurting me and holding me back from the great life I could be having as a single. I knew God didn’t have me single for no reason. I knew that I had a purpose in my years as a single that I could chase with a Christ-like passion, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I kept feeling like I had a dream and I was trapped, unable to get to it.

Then on May  18th my pastor’s wife said,  “Being single is not a disease that you one day over come. Being single is not a cage that you someday escape.”

In my spirit I heard something that God had been saying to me for weeks now. He said, “This is not a bad captivity.”

It was in Jeremiah 29 that I first had this revelation from God. Jeremiah 29 is a letter written to those that God sent into captivity in Babylon.

He starts straight away by saying I am here with you in this time and I know where you are. I want you to build houses here. Rest here and bare fruit here. Be content and rest. Increase and grow even in captivity. Be like the Israelites. They grew even greater than their enemies. Seek the peace of your captivity because I have caught you there. Pray for My peace because in this captivity there is safety and peace.

Do not listen to the people around you who tell you this is a bad place or tell you things that make you dissatisfied. Do not listen to your heart and your dreams because when you are in a place your flesh does not like they will deceive you even if the place is good for your spirit and for the world. Don’t let yourself be tricked. Rest in this captivity.

After a time – a certain time that I know and that will not change – I will bring you out of this captivity and you can go where your heart feels at home. I have good plans for you and this time of captivity is part of it. This is for your good and will not harm you. This is to give you the future I have planned and to fill you with unending hope should trials come when you leave the captivity. Know this and you will call me. I will hear you. You will seek me because you know with head knowledge that I love you. You will seek to really know my love and you will find that you do know it. That in fact you know it better than ever before. If it weren’t for this captivity in my arms you never would have had the time to seek me in that way.

You will find me and I will free you. There are people out there who refuse to be taken captive by me and will not look for me. Because of this – and because they tempt you to do the same – they will find themselves unprotected, restless and full of troubles. Their ways are not my ways. Even in hardship you are safe because you live in the place I tell you to. I can keep you from getting sick if you live in the city I tell you to live in. I know which cities will be struck with disease and which will not and so why would you try to live in the place you think best? My instructions to go here or not go there are to protect you. If you do not listen what else can I do?

Listen to my voice. It is your peace in this captivity. You are held captive by me, but not by force. Find joy in the fact that I want you safe and so close. I know what you have done in the past and I know where you are. I am witness to your tears and have whitened all your wrongs.

Let me take you captive. Do not think that you know everything. No man should think higher than he ought. You are not a prophet. You do not know the future or even really know who you are. Take comfort. I know who you are. I know the path. I planned the path. Trust me all the way. Everything is for your good.

For this purpose you will be here for awhile: build a house, take a break, bare fruit by knowing me. I just want you to take time to know me. This is not a bad captivity.

I accepted those verses completely and I was seeking and searching trying to understand Gods purpose for me here. I was asking him, “What house do I build? What fruit do I bare?”, but most of all I was asking, “How do I rest in complete peace and contentment?”

I was trusting. I was growing. I was slowly letting go in my thoughts and my emotions, but there were many times – days even – when I was not content. I felt a pit in the center of my heart and no matter how much I prayed or wrote or worked it would not leave me.

Last night while I cried myself to sleep God said, “Deanna. It is so so easy for you to think of things to do to fill the void for a time, but I am trying to make you a dwelling place.”

I racked my brain to think of what that could mean. I thought of a bunch of different places I could dwell and grow and learn, but none of them held a passion or an excitement to move for my Savior. He wanted me to find a work that was deeper than writing or helping or dreaming. He wanted to show me that even though I was not a married woman that I had a place and I could live my dream.

God made me exactly who I am for exactly where I am right now.

I have discovered that life is all about the right now.

I don’t have to wait to use my talents.
I don’t have to wait to find joy, peace, contentment and fulfillment in my life.
I don’t have to wait to live my dreams.

Today in service they were taking questions through text and this is what I said,
“I have wanted to be married my whole life. Over the last four years I have prayed about it intensely and really grown in my beliefs concerning family and marriage. I know that God’s plan is the best plan. I recently turned 18 and had this fantasy that I would have a boyfriend for my birthday lol and be on my way to my life long dream of being a wife and mother. That obviously hasn’t happened. My question is how does a single whose dream is to raise a family find contentment and purpose in being single and stop being unhappy wishing for what they do not have?”

I asked that question feeling empty and lost.

I left service today feeling not only full, but empowered to live my life!

She said, “There are children all over the world who are helpless and abandoned. They would love to have a mother like you!”

I realized in that moment that while I may not be a physical mother to anyone yet that I am (and have the potential to be) a spiritual mom to many, many young men and women. I have my siblings, the darling babies in the nursery, the wild kids of promise park, and those coming up behind me in yx.

I have a place in the family of God.

God gave me the gift to encourage, nurture, listen, pray and love fiercely not just so I could one day be a mother and a wife. He gave me those gifts to bless everyone that walks into my world. God has given me the grace to raise up young men and women for him – right now.

My encouragement to you is this:

You don’t have to wait for a certain season of your life to bare fruit. Step out, realize the Grace and Power of God in your life and bare fruit even when the world calls you a captive.

We are in the world, but not of it.

The world and what it deems to be “normal” is not of any importance to us.

You purpose in life is to use your gifts to glorify your Father in Heaven and you can do that in an earth shattering, opinion destroying, life altering way when you do it with God.

There is a time to live and a time to die.

There is a time to be single and a time to be married.

Stop waiting and live while you still have the chance.

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Transparency <3

“How do you begin a story that trapped inside of you – blaringly alive yet trapped all the same?

“How do you bring into words that swirling vortex of thought and emotion that no mortal man can untangle or even begin to understand?

And even if – by some miracle – you could bring out the words in one clear straight line for that one man to hear who says you’ll have the courage to say them aloud or even believe in them yourself?

You’ve waited your whole life for this one man – this one moment – but not in a thousand years would you be prepared enough to even whisper these feelings in a dark room all on you own and yet you must reveal them all or else you’ll burst, broken into a million pieces.

I have found the only outlet for such things is the written page, the supposed fiction that have become our bed-time stories: Fairy tales may not be tales at all.” – from a work in progress.

fairy

Here I am.

It’s the first day of February and I’m wearing this months heart necklace. I sit here in front of the computer screen fingering my purity ring – just thinking.

I have something inside of me that I want to let seep through the cracks, something sweet and nostalgic – a new reflection of something with which I’m familiar – but the reflection is still blurred on one side – this glass still needs cleaned. It’s not yet polished for the world to see, or even those with whom I want to share it the most.

It feels as if God is an author in the midst of a great work. Like he is writing and editing my story. Like he’s tweeking this partiular chapter to perfection. Setting each character in the plot just where they should be and ever developing me into a deeper and deeper person.

So even though I’m ready to shout this from the mountain tops (or at least whisper it aloud in a quiet room); even though I’m ready to take the next step I can hear The Author saying, “Wait. Let me write it, edit it and publish it. This is my project – my masterpiece – and someday you will get to show it to the world, but not yet.” So even though I want to be transparent as a writer should be – as my friend Jayne or Abby or my pastors – I can’t be. Not in this sentence, or this paragraph, maybe not even on this page.

For now I will sit and wait looking into the eyes of The Perfect Author – the one who knows the beginning and end of this tale. For now I will write and write true, though for a while it may be in allegory or abstract design.

For Now I Will Wait.

One Day I sat beside

A wall of climbing flowers

ever reaching toward the sun

all their waking hours.

I wondered, ‘Am I like them?

Making every second a glory

to the maker of this planet?

Do I make the conscious choice

to continually be growing?

or do I fade away as if

He’d never done the sowing?

Do I try to follow

Him in all His ways?

or do I prefer to sit

and think within the shade?’

Life is not all about

everything we think

but rather it is about

what we believe

and where that leads our feet

So that day I chose

not to just sit anymore

to be done with thinking

whats to come next morn

And rather to walk a path

that down which I know

He’s waiting with arms open

and smile all aglow.” ❤ 

Love,

Deanna ❤

 

 

Dear Readers.

I realize I’ve put up alot of posts this week and they may not have all been entirely relevant to your situation, but I hope you read something that sparked a curiosity for God and His ways. Jesus said for us to “believe like a child” and children get excited and curious!

If you saw anything anywhere this week that brought up a revelation or a question about God I would love to hear it in the comments below before 4pm on Sunday January 13. At that point I will create a post surrounding some of those comments.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Deanna ❤

Psalm 63

” Oh God, you are my God;

Early I will seek you;

sunrise2

My soul thirsts for you;

My flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land

Where there is no water.

desert

So I have looked for you in the sanctuary,

to see your power and your glory.

LION

Because your lovingkindness is better than life,

my lips shall praise you.

Thus I will bless you while I live;

I will lift up my hands in your name.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,

and my mouth shall praise you with joyful lips.

When i remember you on my bed,

I meditate on you in the night watches.

NIGHT

Because you have been my help,

therefore in the shadow of your wings I will rejoice.

EAGLE

My soul follows close behind you;

your right hand upholds me.

hands

But those who seek my life,

to destroy it,

shall go into the lower parts of the earth.

LAVA

They shall fall by the sword;

SWORD

they shall be a portion for jackals.

But the king shall rejoice in God;

everyone who swears by him shall glory;

but the mouth of those who speak lies shall be stopped.”

I hope these words from God encourage you and lift you to a higher place.

Love,

Deanna

You are deeply loved and grace by God – BCA Creed